Lost.

Lately, I just feel empty. I have no idea where I am or where I'm headed. My schedule is so fluctuating. I never know when I'll be home. I'm not with my kids much and when I am, I'm too tired. I am kind of too old for the night shift, day shift, night, switch up. It's exhausting. 

It's hard to go to things alone because the whole time, I'm just alone. And usually my work, somehow messes it up. Never intentionally. Its just "the breaks." 

I need to give a Family History lesson today. I have NO idea what it will be. Probably no one will show up anyway. (Not moping, in this ward, people don't really attend Fam History) 

I am not where I belong. Not where I need to be. But I have no idea how to get there. I can't just jump and hope I land right. I must have a clear step ahead of me before I leave the one I'm on. There is no back up plan. There is no rescue and there is no shining knight. 

On a more -give myself credit- point. It has been a year since the final conversations took place. A year since divorce was discussed, acknowledged and true separations happened.

 And I'm still here!

I'm doing alright. My biggest mistake was a hospital visit with random bills that keep showing up. I also have 3 cars that aren't cooperating with the financial outlook. But I'm not broken. I'm slowly building my financial ground for the first time in 23 years. And that feels really good. 

I'm on my way. I'm doing ok. Today, I'm sad. But that's going to happen. Everyone is allowed sad days. I'm ready for some shifting. I hope I'm doing the right things to find It.